Love addiction and stalking
Seminar on "love addiction" and "stalking"
CLINICAL ASPECTS UNDERVALUED IN "LOVE ADDICTION"
Research exhibited by Dr. Maria Prassede Capozio psychologist and psychotherapist at the register of Psychologists in Rome for "Saturday Seminars" in February 2008.
A criterion that allows us to distinguish an emotional dependence or love addiction from the healthy feeling of love is the type of relationship existing in the couple.
The addictive relationship is characterized by pain, dissatisfaction, humiliation, self-destructiveness. It is almost always present: incompatibility, lack of respect, planning diversity, hostility, non-sharing of needs and desires.
It is the opposite of healthy love which becomes growth and expansion of the ego, pleasure, joy of living and is able to develop intimacy, complicity, a sense of belonging. Why then do we remain anchored to pain, humiliation and unable to escape from stories of this kind?
Addiction arises from rejection and if there were no rejection it would probably end soon. The desire to fight and win increases as the pain and difficulties increase.
The disease of love and the consequent addiction arises when we try to satisfy our needs, in relationships with individuals who do not want or cannot satisfy those needs.
Expectations become too high and not at all realistic compared to what the other person can give. A vicious circle is created: the more one chases the more the other runs away because he is afraid of being suffocated or vampirized. In such an unbalanced relationship there is anxiety on the part of the employee and the need to be reassured and this leads her to be more and more insistent and stubborn.
The reasons for the withdrawal of the beloved may be different:
The excess of emotional demands on the part of the loved one (the idea that a person's happiness or unhappiness depends on us is often frightening.)
Sometimes the partner is a narcissist who takes pleasure in seeing himself loved and feels reassured and satisfied by the conquest and recognition of his loving abilities. The narcissus is a sentimental helpless person who needs to seduce to test his power, his appeal and, when he succeeds, the game runs out for him.
In other cases, if the partner is older, they end up limiting themselves and excluding themselves from the relationship because they find the idealized image that their loved one has of him very demanding.
There is another reason that makes the more traditionalist partner retreat: he feels dispossessed of the classic role of suitor, of the one who has to take the initiative. The steps that according to tradition he should take, are taken by the woman.
Also in the woman there can be a narcissistic response that is expressed by putting into action her weapons of seduction, but she, often, for psycho-socio-cultural reasons, does not allow herself to live only a story of sex, she looks for an alibi; it gives a loving connotation to the relationship and begins to be dependent by recognizing a real or imaginary power to the other.
The origins of emotional addictions
What drives emotional employees to carry on their battle is the need to heal an ancient wound and be compensated for unmet emotional needs, rejection and humiliation received, in a period of personality formation. John Bowlby in the theory of "attachment", accepted by many and contested by others, illustrates the concept of addiction: - Talking about a dependent person tends to be derogatory: describing a person as attached to someone can be approving.
If the mother figure is present or its movements are known, the child ceases to exhibit attachment behavior and quietly explores the environment -. It is the dynamic that recurs in emotional addictions and that will recur in various situations in life: the more the beloved is absent, not very reassuring, not very participatory, the more the employee establishes a relationship of attachment.
Robin Norwood known to the public above all for "Women who love too much", highlights the personal and family characteristics of those suffering from addiction: a childhood characterized by a feeling of insecurity that later leads to an obsessive control of the partner, disguised as a desire to help each other. A family history characterized by lack of affection tends to re-propose in the couple's life the attitude experienced with parents to try to obtain those affective responses, not obtained before.
Bieber and Bieber hypothesize that when there are emotional dependencies, the father figure has not established a loving or esteem relationship with the child, resulting in psychoaffective immaturity and thus preventing the child from having a good identification. Even the overprotective maternal figure can generate confusion in the child who will live the father figure with hostility and the maternal figure as welcoming.
Denis de Rougemont in his famous book "Love and the West" sees the passion that often results in addiction as typical of Western society in which passion is deified because it allows us to escape from the world we do not like, promising us happiness: - Why does the man of the West want to suffer this passion which wounds him and which his reason fully condemns? Why does he want this love that exploding into can only mean suicide? -. He then contrasts the West with the East where the concept of passion does not exist, but on the contrary, persisting the custom of arranged marriage makes couples healthier and less problematic because the absence of idealization leads to a better acceptance of reality.
Even Jean Claude Kaufmann in "Once upon a time there was prince charming", argues that the passionate search is basically the search for a figure that evades the boredom of an overly stabilized identity.
The recurring symptoms in affective addictions are the same as those of a depressive syndrome, and people often find themselves with an official diagnosis of depression. But this description is not appropriate to the malaise that is linked to falling in love. Love sickness has been taken into consideration since ancient times. Plutarch biographer and Greek philosopher, already in the first century AD. he had outlined a picture of the sickness of love: - Some thought it was a rage ... so you have to forgive lovers just like the sick. Likewise, a cultural trend that goes from the Stoics to Kant, considers the excess of emotions a mental disorder.
If we re-read the old diagnoses of love sickness from past centuries, we realize that they almost perfectly coincide with today's diagnosis of obsessive or mood disorder. There are many aspects of falling in love similar to a mental disorder, a way so faithful that perhaps there is no real difference between an obsession with the loved one and an obsession proper.
Symptoms characteristic of affective addictions
- Drugs and alcohol
- Anxiety and euphoria
- Time and space
- Happiness or moment of the myth of Hermaphrodite
- Ambivalence and insecurity
- Psychosomatic disorders
- Phase of yearning
- Phase of rejection and abandonment by the loved one
According to the English psychologist Frank Tallis, love has condemned us to experience a mental illness because it is a safety mechanism developed by evolution to protect the species from our own rationality: - It must be irrational to ensure procreation and therefore continuation of the species. Our children are born very vulnerable and weak and need constant parental care.
And unlike other animals, we have highly developed brains that allow us to rebel against our reproductive instincts, and reject the hard work of raising children. We could all decide not to have children and the species would become extinct. Instead we continue to have them. It is no coincidence that in most experiences the actual falling in love phase lasts about two or three years. The madness of love lasts just long enough for our genes to pass to the next generation -.
When you become aware of the harm that your loved one has caused, resentment and anger can also turn into hatred. They can become deeper and more devastating when the idealization of the beloved ceases and the employee has a disturbed personality as in the movie "Fatal Attraction" in which the rejected woman takes revenge on the beloved and his family.
The cases of "stalking", of dumped partners who then become torturers are on the rise and this tells us that we accept less refusals and abandonments. According to a research, 20% of the population has been harassed by former partners. Melanie Klein believes that rejection by a lover often precipitates severe clinical depressions leading to suicide attempts and hospitalizations in people who have a particular "sensitivity to rejection" and who suffer from "separation anxiety".
I have noticed that people with personality disorders have love addiction as a lifestyle. Often the loved one is even unaware of their feelings and it is very difficult for them to change their way of life except with effective psychotherapy, in which there is a good relationship with the psychotherapist. I speak of a good relationship because the same psychologists and neurologists are seen as saviors and therefore at risk of creating addictive relationships in turn.
Translated from the original https://www.enciclopedica.com/dipendenze-affettive.hmtl